Full of negative feelings!

Argh. The only word tt describes how i feel now.

Let's start from yesterday.

As i was walking towards the train station, newpaper caught my eye. The headlines read 'Singapore women find out if men flirt'. Something like tt. It got me real curious, so i bought a copy.

As i waited for the train, i read. Apparently, singapore women are engaging female PIs to spot check on their bfs/husbands-to-be.

The PI acts as a 'honeytrapper', meaning tt they will dress up, look pretty, try to catch the guy's attention, den smile at the him. If he approaches her, talk to her, asks for her number, den the PI will report everything to the gf.

Note tt the PI only smiles, talk to the guy. She does not lead him on, nor touch him or watsoever.

So, the model acted as a honeytrapper at a pub at Suntec. Out of 8 guys she smiled at, 5 approached her, one asked for sex and the rest all asked for her no. and to seee her again.

Wow! you must be wondering to yourself. At least 3 guys didnt fall for her trap ma. You think, not all guys are bad wat.. there're some faithful ones.. THEN YOU ARE BLOODY WRONG.

2 guys were with their friends, which means tt they were prob paiseh to appraoch a girl when they have their frens ard. Afterall, they promised to keep one another company, not keep another girl company. The third one was with his gf. Unless he's retarded, he wont appraoch the model for sure.

DO YOU KNOW I WAS, AND STILL AM, FREAKNG DISGUSTED BY MEN? ALL THE MEN WHO APPRAOCHED THE MODEL CLAIMED THEY WERE AVAILABLE, N REFUSED TO ADMIT IF THEY WERE MARRIED. AND ALL 8 WERE EITHER LAWYERS OR DOCTORS. WHAT THE HELL I DIDNT KNOW SINGAPORE GOT SO MANY LAWYERS AND DOCTORS. AND DOCTORS/LAWYERS, WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A SENSE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, ARE DOING SOMETHING BEHIND THEIR SPOUSES' BACK? TALK ABT BEING ELITE!

Then, i asked myself, will i do this to my husband-to-be before we get married? Just to check if he is faithful to me?

I don't think i can answer the question, cos
(1) I havent decide when to marry
(2) I dunno who to marry
(3) I dun hav anyone in mind whom i want to marry
(4) I shant be a smart ass and comment on sth tt i have not experienced before.

I probably will say no now, afterall, i should trust the man i marry, and most importantly, i'm afraid of truths. But who knows? I might grow up to b a power woman, a woman in control of her feelings and life. Then i will prob investigate my husband-to-be.

Let's go back to how disgusted I am with men. (sorry ying wai perhaps you want to close this window) I cant believe tt men are actually THAT lecherous. Yes, i know if men are single, their nature is to flirt n all.. but if u are attached?? worse still, married?? How can you do this to your wife/gf? Doesnt you conscience bite at you??Dont you wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, a nightmare in which u hurt ur wife deeply, and cause her much saddness?

No lor, men are only afraid tt their wife find out because their wives to divorce them, take half of their wealth, and leave them alone. You think these men care abt their wives feeling hurt upset n all? NO. if they cared, they wouldnt have strayed.

Is it jus singaporean men, or men in general? I always feel tt singapore men are a desperate bunch. The news article jus confirmed it.

I really have ZERO ZILCH faith in men. I dont think a faithful man exist (ok i shall not 一竹杆打翻整艘船.(Mabel correct me if i used the phrase wrongly) If even he exist, i will never meet him. I'm destined to have a hard life.

Am i just being skeptical? paranoid? insecure? out of my mind?

Perhaps all of the above.

I dont know how to trust men again. I dont think i'm being feminist or wad, but, I used to think guys are well, sexually more oriented, that's all. Yes they love porn, naked women blah blah blah.. but i didnt expect men to stray like anything. And my level of disgust isnt tt of a normal women. My disgust has somewhat make me despise guys in general, and make me believe tt the world is prob better off without guys.

Anyway, this is to all guys, (tho i wonder if guys can still continue reading) Please, if you have decided tt she's the one, love her with all your heart. It's okay to look at sexy woman or even to oogle at them. But keep your hands to yourself. She loves you with all her heart, it's only right you love her back, wholeheartedly. Do you really have the heart to treat her like tt? Doesnt it pain you to see her in despair? What has she done to deserve such treatment from you? What wrong did she do? All jus because she loved you? Please be fair to the one you love.

Probably i haven meet any good man yet. Maybe when i meet one, the disgust will jus fade.

Sigh.

The Way I Remember Parkway

Today, I went town, den had my dinner at Old Airport Road, and den took bus 31 home. The bus passed by parkway, a place where i was suddenly hit with many, many, wonderful memories.

As all of you know, I was from VJ, and VJ is very near to Parkway. I used to hang out very often at Parkway and Siglap with my friends, Emily, Cheryl, Justin and sometimes Grace n Khor Kai.

Back then in my VJ days, i used to complain a lot about gg to sch.. dragging my feet to lessons etc etc.. but today, after i passed by Parkway, I realised that I was, actually, leading a wonderful life then.

Lemme tell you the thoughts tt went thru my head today.. and the memories tt flashed thru my mind..

The bus was heading from Katong area towards Tampines, so i first passed by Parkway, then the Library, den this block of flats opp St Pats, den VJC.

How I remember Parkway - Sunny and Bright
Usually,when i passed by this place, I will jus think to myself how wonderful VJ days were, and get a bit nostalgic. But today, it was more than tt..

I suddenly remembered walking ard Parkway in my VJ uniform.. with my friends.. I remember crossing tt lil' road with Emily.. talking n laughing.. feeling so carefree n happy tt lessons were over..

Those were the wonderful days. Young, innocent and happy. I got so close to tt memory.. I could almost feel it in my heart, and see the image in my eyes. It was so near, yet so far. Because I know i can never reproduce a real life scenario like tt again.

Then, the image of me n lx flashed by. I suddenly saw myself waiting for him at the bus stop early on a sunday morning, to have breakfast with him at East Coast. And the me who looked happy to see him come down from the bus. Back then, he had so much time for me, while i had lesser time for him because of my studies too. He was always there to accompany me.

Things are so different now. I can never ever reproduce those feelings. Those wonderful, purely happy feeling.

How I remember the Library
I went there for CIP once with Emily Cheryl and Khor Kai, and some of my classmates too. We were at the second level, at the couches slacking, talking nonsense and entertaining ourselves. It was a quiet, and peaceful saturday morning. I can still remember the dread n sian-ness me n emily felt as we tidied shelves after shelves of books.. and how i said rubbish n she laughed at my rubbish.

Those days are gone..

Then I remember gg there to wait for lx. He had a game of bball with his friends, den i went to find him to go town tog. He went to the lib's washroom to change n clean up. Not much emotions attached to this memory, but it made me feel like i was a happy n blissful person.

How I remember the block of flats
Haha, in year 1, during the first three months i think, Emily and i were super onz. We actually volunteered to go to these blocks of flats on a saturday morning to collect old newspapers and clothes. So kindhearted to do community work dont you think? But eh, i think we needed CIP points too lar.

This happened when i was 17. So young!! We walked block after block after block.. with.. yes! Erwin and Mark! We even stopped by the lil market to drink sth and Mark bumped into his father's employee. Me and Emily didnt know Mark n Erwin very well, but we were all apparently having quite a good time. Emily, are you reading this? Do you remember? You know all these memories made me cry on the bus lor!

How I remember VJ - Waiting for Emily at the bus stop early in the morning
This may be a boring entry to most of you, but i'm sure emily appreciates all these.

I can remember I will reach VJ prob at ard 6.50.. and sit there n wait for her. FOr once reason or another, she frequently have problems with her bus and can sometimes reach so late, but i will still stupidly wait for her and run from the bus stop to sch. Always end up panting while the other victorians sing the anthem,

After tt, came the memory of lx. How we met on the bus, den he accompanied me to wait for emily (he was so nice back then), and ended up getting teased by my friends.

Sigh.. those were the wonderful VJ days.. I really miss those days so much. But I can never go back to the past. Even if I can, the feeling wont be the same anymore. We've all grown up a lot, many things tt i used to do in JC, i dont think i will do them now. I may be ugly like a cow back then and zero guys were interested in me, but, I lead a carefree life..

Well, probably i choose to remember my JC days as carefree. I miss the past so much.

How do you define a happy person?

Almost everyday, I ask myself "Am i truly happy?"

Each time, I can never come to an end.

I guess being contented will equal being happy.

Learning to appreciate the things around us and accepting that all these are enough will equal happy ba..

Sometimes I wonder if i ask for too much.

Why cant I just be contented with wat i have?

I seem to want more when i get more.

Human beings should never ask themselves whether they are happy or sad when they are feeling sad.

Cos it jus makes us even sadder.

Usually, when we wake up the next morning, the world seems a better place as compared to yesterday.

And i will start to wonder why i felt sad yesterday.

Actually, life can be quite beautiful lar.

Just dont remember it when it isnt beatiful, and you will be a happier person.

My new year solution:

To be a happier person and bring happiness to my family and friends, especially to Ms Eggplant. I really hope she will be happy every single day. =)

One can never relive the past

People always speak of "how i wish i am a secondary school girl again.."

Human beings always wish to go back to the past.

To relive those wonderful memories.

But are those memories really wonderful?

Maybe yes. Maybe not.

The human memory is somewhat faulty.

Sometimes, we overglorify a memory tt we particularly like.

For example, I remembered the first time i ate the NIE mushroom minced meat noodles last year.

It was darn delicious i swear.

I was so in love with it tt i kept thinking abt the mushroom minced meat noodles, and the taste of it.

The next time i ate it was half a year later.

As you may guess, i was soo in anticipation of eating my favourite noodles, and wanted so badly to relive that taste again.

But was slightly a wee bit disappointed.

It didnt seem tt fantastic. Yes still delicious, but not thunderously delicious.

I thought i remembered it as more delicious?

Den i realised. Ah. I kept psycho-ing myself into thinking tt it's wonderful, when in actual fact, it is tt not wonderful.

The taste of the noodles is still the same. But because i thought too highly of it, tt's why i felt it wasnt tt fantastic anymore.

If there were really a time machine, probably our sec sch days wont b as fantastic as we thought.

Yes it will still be good, but somehow.. the feeling might be different.

Very often, i try to recreate feelings tt belonged to the past.

I loved to go East Coast Park when i was in JC.

I still like to go there, to relive those feelings of JC life.

But... the feeling starts to fade as time passes by.

It's inevitable.

I often thought those days were so wonderful.

But when i try to redo those things i did in the past, it just felt .... normal.

I guess we, or rather, I shouldnt miss the past too much.

Instead, cherish and totally feel the moment. the now.

Certain things, can only be felt once.

A trip to the dentist and many other short stories

Finally! I get to blog again! been so busy since school reopened.

I went to the dentist yesterday.

To many of you, it's no big deal. See dentist only wad, it;s like seeing doctor ma. wads so special?? Read on...

The day before seeing the dentist, i was already getting real nervous.

Why? you may ask.

Because i have not been to the dentist for almost a decade and Mabel's frightening encounters with the dentists totally freaked me out. She wanted to book an appt to see the dentist the day before and i went with her. As i approached the dental centre, i could hear the dentistry equipment. I'm sure you can imagine the sound. I so totally freaked out again.

On the same day, i was talking to Mr. Ying Wai online. I asked him if i will have to fill my teeth. He told me that chances tt i still hav perfect teeth is zilch. Sigh. He's a nice friend, but if he could still tell me tt despite knowing tt i was already totally freaked out tells me tt chances of decayed teeth is darn high.

The next day, i reached the place at 11am. Got a stomachache somemore. shows how scared i was. Now i dun even get stomachache when i hav exams lor. nor when i get my results lor.

Finally, my turn to sit on THE chair. The min i laid down n opened my mouth the dentist said "Hmm, some hardened deposits, definitely have to clean... hmm.. and mayb some decay gg on"

My heart sank immediately. Sian half liao. Gotta prepare for the worst.

Then he took out this laser equipment tt detects decaying teeth. If teeth is decayed, the equipment will sound. The equipment sounded! like it never sounded before! apparently one of my teeth was like really decayed? I couldnt believe tt was happening to me. How can i have decayed teeth? It's sooo .... UNFAIR! (ok i know i deserve it for not faithfully visiting the dentist.. but i brush my teeth everyday!!)

I couldnt help but tear.. i will explain y later on. The dentist was shocked like anything man. He kept saying "dun worry dun worry.. ur not gg to lose ur teeth.. it's not a painful process at all" of cos i know i wont lose my teeth nor will there be pain.. but.. i jus DONT want my teeth filled!

Throughout the whole trial, i was so tensed up tt the dentist had to stop halfway and pat my hand and say "dont be so worried.. " he even used his fingers to wipe away my tears. I felt like a huge baby.

Well, i have one teeth filled. And i booked another appt on feb 14 to fill more teeth. Sigh.

Ok, many of us have certain beliefs, or rather wants, tt we hold on to for the rest of our life. For some, they want long hair for their whole life. If their hair becomes damaged and they have no choice but to cut, they will be sooo upset.

For me, i believe in having a perfect set of teeth. Meaning, no fillings no extractions no fake teeth. I started having this belief since pri 1, cos of health education lessons. I remember seeing this cartooon pic of an old lady who still has a perfect set of pearlies and was showing it off to her grandson.

I vowed then to be like her. I wanted to show my grandson tt i'm one of those rare people who dont need to fill teeth.

I always feel tt ppl who hav fillings are dirty ppl.. ppl who dont brush their teeth. (no offence, filled teeth ppl) And i somehow feel tt they deserve having filled teeth. "Serve them right for chewing sweets and not brushing teeth." but now i am one of those 'dirty' ppl. Do you know how it feels to belong to a group tt you once despise?? but now.. i know.. not all ppl who have filled teeth are dirty.. i diligently brush my teeth for more than 3 min each time.. i seldom eat sweets.. but still?!? i have to hav decayed teeth.

Sigh. I wonder how many of u understand how i feel. I saw Mr Ying Wai after seeing the dentist and couldnt help but start crying in front of him again. Just couldnt help it cos i was soo devastated. Oh well, you prob dont understand.

If God cant give me a perfect set of teeth, then i wish he will make all my friends have filled teeth. Ha Ha Ha. Oh dear, I'm so upset.

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I got sunburnt today! And you know wad?! My skin started itching and then viola!!
Rashes POPPED out! My backed itched like mad until i have to clency my teeth to stop myself from scratching. I made a special trip down to guardian pharmacy to buy aloe vera gel. By then, the rashes subsided. -_-||| wasted my money.. aiya but gd investment lar. i forsee more tanning sessions.. right, evon? =p

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Shall mention my younger sister here. She knew i had a bad case of rashes today and she rushed down to the conveniece stall about 400 m away from my house to buy powder for me! And she ran! Though she spent 50 cents of my money on potato chips, well, she's forgiven for running there for me!

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My posters are all over NTU! ha ha ha. keep a lookout for me!

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My thoughts on hatred:

Wat exactly is hatred? Is disliking someone to the core considered hatred? Prob you hate the person who cheated on you before. For me, I hated(note the past tense. I am a magnanimous person who forgets hatred) the friend who refused to lend me her eraser (she had 2) during my sec 2 final year art exam.

I pondered over this question.. and i realised hatred isnt tt easily simplified.

Ok, let's say your friend got bullied by another friend, call him X. And i mean, really bullied X is your friend too, but u are closer to your friend lar. Will you hate X on your friend's behalf? Probably not.

My definition of hatred. Hating someone on behalf of your loved one. For life. No matter how the person atones for his/her mistakes. tt's the hard core hatred.

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Expectations

Expectations make the world go round.

It is something very important, yet many of us dont seem to know tt.

Actually, expectations is everywhere.

In terms of economics, the economy will only be in equilibrium if expectations are met.

We have certain forecasts for the interest rates, the economic growth rate, forex etc.

If the actual growth rate or watsoever falls short of expectations,

The world seems upside down.

Ok, probably not all of you are into economics.

Let's just talk abt something tt all of us can relate to.

All of us silly undergrads face exam stress right?

Why?

Because we, or our parents, set certain expectations for us.

Some jus needa pass, some needa get an A.

It matters not whether I do better than you or you do better than me.

It matters whether you meet or exceed your expectations.

See?

At another level, we also have expectations of the people around us.

I expect my friends to be friendly with me go to lectures w me etc etc.

And many of u girls out there also expect ur bfs to be nice and sweet.

When none of these happens, we all get upset.

See the wonders and horror of expectations?

Lower ur expectations if you wanna be a happy person.

The world will seem right side up again.

Looking back at 2004..

This is gg to be the last time i'm mentioning 2004.

Jus a short post to remind myself wad happened in 2004 tt made it such an undesirable year, and why i hated it so much.

Of course there were good times too, but i choose not to mention them now, for the sake of only reminding me of the bad times, which, i think, is a very unwise thing to do. But being the stupid me, this is the kinda things i do.

2004 started with me having a short tiff with someone. Well, tt was wat i wrote in my diary, but i cant remember wat the quarrel was about. As mentioned in the previous blog, tt was an omen.

After tt, my ex bf left for thailand for some exercise, which was supposed to be very prestigous, but to me, it was jus a load of bullshit. Somemore he wont b ard on v. day, which means i would be as gd as being single. He went away for 3weeks, so i was lonely and sad for 3 weeks. Yes i know it's not as if he's not coming back, but well, at tt time, i was jus worried and sad.

Then.. bad news started coming.. Mabel's mommy passed away.. It was really a tough period of her.. I could see she was really devastated, but she tried not to do tt in front of us. Like she could still say lame stuffs, though i could see tt she forced it and given a choice, would have jus wanted me to get lost. It was the first time tt i realised how impt family is, esp my mom.

After tt was the exams.. I had 3 papers on 3 blardy consecutive days! I can still remember it was FM, OB den stats. It was really the most torturous exam i ever ever had.. For the whole week, i wake up at 8 every morning, study study till 12 plus, eat lunch for half hr, den study study study.. nap 5 min, den study study.. till dinner time prob rest 45 min.. den study study study till 2 plus.

I can still remember vividly how i felt like when it was about 12 midnight. My eyelids started to get heavy, i could hardly read 2 sentences w/o closing my eyes.. it was really bad. And i studied till i cried. So helpless then... And in the end?? study so hard only got one A. Wad the hell. (ok i noe an A is like god sent but hey, i put in so much effort and it's only an A? I hope you understand ok.)

den hols.. den sch reopened.. den i became single.

Mid semester, Ruishan's grandma passed away. Though she didnt show as much emotions as Mabel, I definitely know tt it ain't easy when you lose a loved one. It's like.. they are gone forever.. breaking up seemed so insignificant to me back then. Wats a breakup compared to losing a loved one? At least i still know he is alive n kicking somewhere. While when u lose a loved one, you can only wonder where they are..

After tt was the exams. Almost everyone's papers ended before mine. So pissed.

Unexpectedly, it was my turn to lose someone very dear to me. At tt times, i jus couldnt believe it. i jus couldnt understand why all these had to happen to my and my friends in less than a yr. There were many regrets, many whys, many hatred.

In dec, exams results were released and i did really well. It was sth like a consolation to me i guess. Prob god's way of telling me tt life isnt ill-treating me.

Following the release of exam results was subj registration. It was really sucky cos i couldnt get the time table i wanted! Argh.

And then, the worst thing happened. The tsunami tt killed thousands. Why? Why must god do all these? Do these innocent ppl deserve to die like tt? And why must it happen to poor countries? And to tourists who had to perish when they thought they will have a wonderful holiday? And to cast a shadow on those who survived? It really made me ponder abt life, and how fragile it could be.

Well, the year finally ended. I look forward to a happy 2005.

New Year Resolutions

Happy 2005!

Finally, it's a new year!

No more suayness! no more stupidness! Only good luck! and more good luck!

2004 has been quite a bad year, especially the later half.

Traumatic man. Never went through such a bad patch before.

So.. how do i make sure that 2005 will be a good year?

Firstly.. the year started well!

(I read my diary last night and realised that i didnt start 2004 well. According to evon's theory, that was an omen or sign tt 2004 was going to be a bad year)

I went out with my family for dinner! At Tampines!

Then! We shopped around!

I bought a tube of lip gloss and a skirt!

So cheap! only $8+$18=$26!

Good bargain right?

Today, i felt quite happy for the whole day.

This is an omen/sign.

Though i didnt feel extremely lucky, but a good feeling is a good start.

Believing is the first step to achieving.

2005 will definitely be a good year.